Oh dear. It would appear that I upset someone with my previous post. Yes, someone. Phew, maybe now I can live safe in the knowledge that I’m not a heartless nit-picking whiney bitch. But I still strive to be one …
I actually hate it when I upset/hurt people. It doesn’t matter if I know them or not. I still hate to hurt people. As a child I rarely argued with my friends. I argued with immediate family members on a daily basis, but that was fine because they loved me and would still protect me so it was allowed. But friends and not-really friends were different. I learnt to accept that they all had two parents, money, holidays abroad, oodles of presents at Christmas/birthdays/Easter, the poshest rollerboots, lots of toys, the best bikes. I learnt that they didn’t have to worry about how sad their mum’s were, worry about whether their daddy would start an argument when he picked them up at the weekend, beg to be allowed to go on that day trip even though they knew deep down that mummy couldn’t afford it [and then feel guilty and sad for making mummy even sadder]. I never felt jealous. I remember no ill-feelings towards friends and not-really friends. I was lucky because I have the most amazing mother. She taught me that love was more important then anything else. And she was always there for me, always.
I learnt that life isn’t fair at a very early age. And I accepted it.
Perhaps more importantly I learnt to bite my tongue and refrain from disagreeing or upsetting people. Maybe this stemmed from a subconscious theory that if I didn’t upset or hurt people they couldn’t do it to me. A bit like being two years old and hiding behind your hands safe in the knowledge that because you can’t see them, they can’t see you. I was always the child who desperately wanted to please people. I may have liked your new rollerboots but I didn’t covet them. All I really coveted was your friendship. And you couldn’t buy me with sweets and bike rides, but you could buy me with simple gestures of friendship – a whisper in my ear or a freshly made daisy-chain.
It doesn’t mean that I’ve never hurt people. I’ve hurt plenty of people. I have a safety-defence mechanism that strips me of any sense of loyalty and turns me into Queen Bitch. I’m not particularly keen on being Queen Bitch but perhaps the fact that I can now be bitchy has made me a better person than the timid child that once was. But I will always go through an period of self-loathing when I know I’ve hurt/upset someone. I’ll do the dramatic storming to the bedroom and sobbing into the pillow, culminating in offering a simple child-like gesture as a way of apology – a whisper in the ear or a freshly made daisy-chain. It may take a matter of seconds, it may take a few years, but I’ll always want to rectify any wrongs I make.
And so, if I’ve upset you at some point in the past, view this post as a whisper in the ear or a freshly made daisy-chain. But please – let me have my opinions, however bitchy they may come across. Don’t let me turn back into that timid, must-please-everyone-all-of-the-time-child that I once was.
Heck, all I’m really trying to say is please don’t hate me for having an opinion …
please God bless all those who I’ve been bitchy too and don’t let me turn into that man xxx Elsabeth