Oh dear.  It would appear that I upset someone with my previous post.  Yes, someone.  Phew, maybe now I can live safe in the knowledge that I’m not a heartless nit-picking whiney bitch.  But I still strive to be one …

I actually hate it when I upset/hurt people.  It doesn’t matter if I know them or not.  I still hate to hurt people.  As a child I rarely argued with my friends.  I argued with immediate family members on a daily basis, but that was fine because they loved me and would still protect me so it was allowed. But friends and not-really friends were different.  I learnt to accept that they all had two parents, money, holidays abroad, oodles of presents at Christmas/birthdays/Easter, the poshest rollerboots, lots of toys, the best bikes.  I learnt that they didn’t have to worry about how sad their mum’s were, worry about whether their daddy would start an argument when he picked them up at the weekend, beg to be allowed to go on that day trip even though they knew deep down that mummy couldn’t afford it [and then feel guilty and sad for making mummy even sadder].  I never felt jealous.  I remember no ill-feelings towards friends and not-really friends.  I was lucky because I have the most amazing mother.  She taught me that love was more important then anything else.  And she was always there for me, always

I learnt that life isn’t fair at a very early age.  And I accepted it. 

Perhaps more importantly I learnt to bite my tongue and refrain from disagreeing or upsetting people.  Maybe this stemmed from a subconscious theory that if I didn’t upset or hurt people they couldn’t do it to me.  A bit like being two years old and hiding behind your hands safe in the knowledge that because you can’t see them, they can’t see you.  I was always the child who desperately wanted to please people.  I may have liked your new rollerboots but I didn’t covet them.  All I really coveted was your friendship.  And you couldn’t buy me with sweets and bike rides, but you could buy me with simple gestures of friendship – a whisper in my ear or a freshly made daisy-chain. 

It doesn’t mean that I’ve never hurt people.  I’ve hurt plenty of people.  I have a safety-defence mechanism that strips me of any sense of loyalty and turns me into Queen Bitch.  I’m not particularly keen on being Queen Bitch but perhaps the fact that I can now be bitchy has made me a better person than the timid child that once was.  But I will always go through an period of self-loathing when I know I’ve hurt/upset someone.  I’ll do the dramatic storming to the bedroom and sobbing into the pillow, culminating in offering a simple child-like gesture as a way of apology – a whisper in the ear or a freshly made daisy-chain.  It may take a matter of seconds, it may take a few years, but I’ll always want to rectify any wrongs I make.

And so, if I’ve upset you at some point in the past, view this post as a whisper in the ear or a freshly made daisy-chain.  But please – let me have my opinions, however bitchy they may come across.  Don’t let me turn back into that timid, must-please-everyone-all-of-the-time-child that I once was.

Heck, all I’m really trying to say is please don’t hate me for having an opinion …

On a different note, have you ever been scared?  This is scary.  This man scares me.  He also makes me feel decidedly paranoid.  I can only hope that he has found medication and peace …

please God bless all those who I’ve been bitchy too and don’t let me turn into that man xxx Elsabeth

18 comments

  1. I agree with the others. You need not apologize. Besides I can not imagine you upsetting anyone. Who is upset? For you having an opinion? Shall I go send THE DESTROYER after them? Or perhaps in a few days I can send PMS GIRL after them? With your last post? I did not find anything offensive in it. People are weird. You seem like you were Cinderella growing up. Sweet and kind to everyone. I was in similar situations in some ways. And I can lay bets that I was not nearly as sweet and accepting about it as you were. I surely coveted many a rich kids toys. Surely I do to this day. I surely resented people with perfect families. I did not hate them or anything. And I did not treat them badly. But, there is always jealousy. Many green monsters live in my head. The people I do have anger towards are those who have things super easy, lots of money, perfect homes, etc. and have no sympathy for those who don’t and don’t recognize what they have. THOSE people I think I hate a little. Maybe more then a little. How is it that you got the evil quiz result and I got the nice and reliable result? I think it ought to be the opposite.

  2. That’s the way I am or was or both… I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings and I want others to like me and be my friend.  But somewhere along the way I realized that I was just being used and walked all over and that these people weren’t really my friends, so I stopped caring so much about people liking me.  I still think of other’s feelings and don’t want to hurt them but I refuse to be a door mat. 
    I would not worry about hurting people’s feelings with your opinions…that’s what your webpage is for, if they don’t like it they don’t have to read it.

  3. That last post was too funny … made me laugh so much. Some people really do have too much time on their hands.
    I can’t believe I’m half way through my first year … almost … is it Summer yet? ha ha

  4. I love the section on Diana. There’s always a section on Diana. At the (gay) pub I go to there’s a man who dresses like Diana. It’s a conspiracy.Sorry … Head … Hurts …It’s strange, cos I do agree with his rant about the BBC. Though I got bored after a few paragraphs and went to the Diana section instead.LewisPs. Let’s get this straight. Noone actually wore ‘rollerboots’, did they? I thought they were all into yoyos when you were at sixth form…Pps. I agree with you re: mum. She makes a tasty toastie.

  5. Because I have both paranoia and ocd (not that ocd has anything to do with it) I feel like that was pointed at me.  Of course, I think everything is pointed at me. It probably wasn’t but to be on the safe side, I’ll say I was not upset by the last entry and see no reason why anyone should have been.
    There.
    Never stop sharing who you are (aka your opinions, etc).  The world would be quite boring if we all did that.

  6. Yes they DOOO count if they’re all from me!  The 500th hug means as much as the first!
    And I’m glad it wasn’t me.
    I think from now on I’ll do 3 a day.  My theater professor told me everyone needs 3 hugs a day to be happy.

  7. yup..no need to say youre sorry!  half the time when people are offended its because they are pissed that you are right. lol  funny how that works! 
    Im not 100% if this is an online thing either..but regardless people get too caught up in online!

  8. Let’s see if this works today – tried commenting several times recently but the damn machine won’t let me – anyway, don’t apologise for your opinions – that’s the whole point of this surely, they’re your or my, or whoever’s, opinions, as it’s your site – I remember what I was saying the other day now, about how scary that whole blog monitoring thing you mentioned was – I wouldn’t have a clue about that kind of thing, so I shall continue along with my ignorance is bliss attitude…

  9. As others have said…don’t stop voicing your opinions.  I respect them very much and those who don’t are silly.  Yep. 
    I do know how you feel, though.  I really, really hate being on bad terms with someone; I also will try and ‘make friends’ eventually, otherwise I feel kind of tainted and…wrong.

Leave a Reply to Krendalin Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s