The fish in the garden pond are multiplying like some form of nasty bacteria. I imagine them splitting themselves in two …
I think that in reality the fish are simply getting jiggy-with-it and producing baby fishes. I don’t know how fish get jiggy-with-it. I’m not entirely sure that I want to know. Do they follow the rules of courtship and marriage first? Dinner and a red rose? Or just a drunken one-night stand after too much oxygen under the filter-thingimajigggy?
She tagged me. I have to name five things I do when nobody wants to play with me. You know, I actually don’t mind when nobody wants to play with me. I’m such a loner-typish person that I like activities or chats or anything to be at my discretion. I’m quite selfish in that respect. It’s something about me that maybe isn’t very nice in some peoples perception. You can usually tell if I’m not in a social mood. I’ll avoid eye contact, give inconsequential non-verbal responses to anything you might care to say to me, maybe even ignore you totally [not necessarily deliberately, sometimes I seem to fail to grasp that people are talking to me because I’ll be off in my own little world, somewhere with magical qualities and dancing fairy-lights …], accidentally forget to reply to your text, start talking about something that has no meaning to you, or to the conversation you were peppering me with … I might even avoid you in the street.
I’m not a bitch. It’s just the way I am. I thoroughly enjoy my quiet solitude. Sitting on the toilet with a locked door and nothing but my thoughts is magical for me. Those five or ten minutes prior to falling asleep are quality me-time, even when The Blokey is lying beside me, wrapping his arms around me, fondling … I like using the bus because it means I can think. This isn’t always possible when noisy people are shouting in my ear. But it’s maybe just one reason why I’ve decided not to pursue the driving lessons for the moment [long story, maybe another time].
I wonder if my space is special to me because I grew up in a busy household with three brothers. I wonder if doing things alone makes me happy because I had to share so much with brothers, step-sisters, and other families whilst growing up.
This isn’t to say that I’m always happy when people don’t want to play with me. Far from it – when I’m in the mood for joviality and laughter then I’m the life and soul of the party. If that party includes just good friends. Or copious amounts of alcohol.
[a note about the following paragraph. it would be quite easy now, having re-read this post before making it public, to simply erase it from existence, pretend it was never written. but i shan’t do that. it shows you a me in a different light, a me who existed once and probably still boils down below somewhere. i have this huge need to be seen as sweet and lovable, despite really being somewhat of a bitch. the following paragraph just reveals the me that i’m not so proud of to you (except the talking to famous people, that’s just cool). it’s quite difficult of me to accept that i’m not always the me that i want you to think i am … ]
And I could tell you stories. Stories that involve kissing strangers in Hyde Park, sex with people barely known, drug-taking with badly addicted people, chatting up barmen in cheap dives, screaming at neighbours, slapping fellow students, hitting people with telephones, playing pool with Combat 18 skinheads, telling people to shut up in cinemas, meeting famous people backstage at gigs – and talking to them. Stories that would totally contradict everything I’ve said about being introverted and loner-ish.
Stories that are probably just romantically pitiful/pathetic because they just scream, love me, love me! Which perhaps just makes me insecurely-introverted …
I lost the thread of this post many lines ago.
[and incidentally, playing pool with members of combat 18 was just something that happened. when you know bully-boys you tend to get to know lots of dodgy people. you don’t necessarily enjoy their company or respect their views]
So, five things I do when nobody wants to play with me … or when I want to be alone voluntarily –
- dream – of the future, tomorrow, weddings, children, conversations that will never happen …
- use the internet for a plethora of activities, none dodgy
- stare at the tellybox, preferably while it’s showing the great big british quiz [i seem to be addicted, but fear not! i haven’t yet wasted money on phoning them – not least because the blokey would have harsh words to say if i did]
- sing along [loudly and untunefully] to cheesy songs. and not so cheesy songs
- read, usually a book. maybe a book aimed at children. maybe something a little more challenging. sometimes i even wander down to the library to fulfill my desires …
Best dash before my head explodes.
please God bless me for being me xxx Elsabeth