“I’m paranoid, anyway.”


I’m the girl who sits in the corner of the room cursing those socialites in the centre who chatter incessantly about this, that, and the price of tomatoes.  Every so often they’ll giggle and I’m the girl who thinks they’re laughing at her. 


I’m the girl who has to sit at the back of the bus because how else can I keep a watchful eye on the other people who want to laugh and whisper about me.  And when the bus stops I’m the girl who would rather stay on it for all eternity than have to sashay down the aisle in front of strangers, who are all looking, whispering, plotting …

 

I’m the girl who can happily stand in front of a classroom full of arrogant teenagers, yet will start to trip over my words and brazenly blush when speaking to her contemporaries. 

 

I’m the girl who won’t smile back at you because I don’t know you. 

 

I’m the girl who listens to the conversations of others and wistfully dreams of being able to sound that intelligent and that funny.  I’m the girl who thinks of that humourous retort three days after the event.

 

I’m the girl who moves her hands around too much in conversation, and refuses to look you in the eye because it makes me vulnerable.

 

I’m the girl who doesn’t know how you see me.  And perhaps I’m the girl who doesn’t want to be seen. 

 

I try to be as anonymous as possible on here, without being too impersonal.  In my world there are no pictures of me or The Blokey, and towns and people go by nicknames.  I’d like to think that you know me well enough to realise that I’m shy, caring, quiet, a little quirky, sometimes funny, maybe.  I’d like to think that I have qualities that you admire, but I’m also aware that there are things about me that you probably don’t like [moodiness, beliefs, opinions, musical tastes, ignorance, little patience for copycats  (of whom, in my world, there are many), amongst others].  I’d like to think that you don’t hold these against me, but recognise they’re the things that make me who I am.

 

Ultimately I need you to know that as well as being a conspiracy theorist with a healthy appetite for paranoia, I also suffer with a condition known as low self-esteem.  Very low self-esteem.  It affects many things in my life, but particularly my relationships with people, both strangers and those who I’m close to.   And it means that everything in my life has to be thought through well ahead of schedule.  I need months to prepare. 

 

I need months to prepare for rejection. 

 

I need months to prepare for the rejection that will come from not being the person you think I am, even though I am that person really, but I just won’t let you see me.

 

Yeh.

 

I am so fucking deep.

 


 

please God bless those who have no idea where this post sprung from xxx Elsabeth

12 comments

  1. Think you need hugs more than e-props TBH. (((Katiefinger))). (But for what it’s worth – you’re not the only person who feels like that. The rest of the world is trying to hide it just as much as you are).
    L xx

  2. You could very nearly be describing me there. Although sometimes I think I have multiple personalities (not in a psycho kind of way though) because there are times when I’m not like that and times when I am. But, I think you are perfect the way you are. And if people can’t understand that then it’s there own problem. Notice we are both very vague on our sites. At least you have your first name up there. I’m not even brave enough for that….

  3. *hug*
    I wish you could realize how awesome you are. I really do. Sometimes, it’s okay to be that girl. Everyone has a little bit of that girl in them at some point or another. Just don’t let it consume you, because if you do, then you lose sight of who you really are – which, really, is an incredibly freaking awesome person. And think about the other people on the bus or at that party or in that staff meeting. Because chances are, most of them are probably having the same feelings as you. If everyone stared at their feet in fear of being noticed, or didn’t smile at people they passed in the street, no one would know how awesome the rest of human kind can be. =)

  4. I am exactly that girl.  Except for the smiling at strangers part because I figure if you startle them with your smile they might not get the chance to think bad things about you.  But then I worry that they think I’m a freak for smiling at them.
    Oh well.
    *****hugs*****

  5. Your the girl that we all love and admire.  You shouldnt try to change from the way you are, and you have more self confidence that you think.  Unfortunatefew has summed it up very well!!  Will we get a wedding piccie of you and blokey as well?

  6. Hmm, all sounds very familiar unfortunately (all except the girl bit obviously)…I think you’re great, you make me smile almost every time I read your entries.  Hope you feel better quickly.

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