If it’s a bad day, you try to suffocate.

[I’ve written this because it’s been playing on my mind and because I feel it’s only fair to share the warts as well as the diamonds.  I haven’t written it for sympathy or pity, both of which would make me feel weak and stupid. Nor have I written it so that you can accuse me of playing the little girl lost card, the i need attention card.  I just wrote it, that’s all.  Maybe a little part of me is hoping that The Blokey occasionally reads this.  Maybe I just want hugs. Maybe you won’t even read it.]

The tragedy of it is that nobody sees the look of desperation on my face.  Thousands and thousands of us, and we’re passing one another without a look of recognition.  ~Henry Miller

This is one of my favourite quotes.  As a younger version of myself I wrote it on a piece of scrap paper, in gothic-style writing, and kept it fixed to the wall above my bed with blu-tac. 

The last couple of weeks have been incredibly hard for me.  A friend told me that the psychological come-down after the wedding could be intense and I needed to be prepared.  However, I’m not entirely convinced that the way I currently feel is solely connected to getting hitched.  I’ve suffered from depression [real, not your airy-fairy woe is me type of depression] for years, probably since childhood, definitely since my teens.  If you asked me to pinpoint a precise moment in my life that could have led to the depression I couldn’t do it.  If you asked me to name a few of the situations that I found myself in that could have caused the depression I could probably do that, but they would be little more than excuses.  Besides, there are too many things.

I feel this real need [craving] to go back on the anti-depressants. 

As I believe I’ve mentioned in the past, The Blokey doesn’t understand.  He’s the son of a mother who sees no middle ground.  Their world exists in black & white and there’s no grey.  It can only be black, or it can only be white.  How can you be unhappy?  We’ve only just got married! he says.  I feel for him , I really do, because I can’t explain it.  I can tell him how I feel consumed by my emotions, how one minute I can laugh, yet the next moment I can cry.  I can tell him that I’m lethargic, that every little thought in my head is magnified to such an extent that nothing else matters, that it’s not him – it’s just the way I am.  But it’s not enough.  He doesn’t get it.

Hell, even I don’t get it.

I can’t even explain it to you.  You’ll only understand if you’ve ever been there.

I thought it would be nice to just curl up in a ball.  Just for a day, two days, a week, a month, even a year.  Just forget about everything.  Pretend that nothing exists.  But I can’t because I have to get on with the rest of my life. 

A couple of weeks ago he said that maybe I needed to talk to someone, a psychiatrist or something.  You think I’m mental! I exclaimed. 

The thing is, if I go to the doctor, if I ask to go back on anti-depressants, if I even go and talk to someone [I did it once (three or four times), at uni, but it didn’t help, he didn’t listen to me] then I’m giving up, I’m becoming weak and I’m letting people down.  I don’t want to let people down anymore. 

Lots of people don’t like weak people. 

But then, if I don’t do it, what does the future really hold for me?

So, The Baby Brother is doing a photography course, and he’s also thinking about doing an MA [I think, from his emails].  I realised that I’m feeling decidedly unchallenged in my job, but I don’t want a new job.  So I’m thinking about getting my head into shape and developing myself, intellectually.  An MA is too expensive.  So I’m contemplating either an A’ Level in Philosophy [which would stand me in good stead if I ever choose to go back into teaching, even though much of it I studied at degree level anyway] or a Diploma in either Abnormal Psychology or in Child and Adolescent Counselling, both of which fit in with what I do currently.  Although to be honest, I have other reasons for wanting to do the Abnormal Psychology Diploma – and I think it’ll be the one I opt for.

Maybe all I need to get me out of this ‘funk’ is some mental stimulation …

Sometimes I really wish that I could be one of those happy, bubbly characters who isn’t hiding anything underneath the face they choose to show to the outside world.  And trust me, it is so easy to hide how you feel when you spend your entire life feeling this way. 

please God bless the thousands of people who feel like me xxx Elsabeth

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11 comments

  1. We are alike in this way.  I have been diagnosed with depression and tried the anti-depressants as well.  I got a great deal of help from a therapist, and I get my continuing help from my passion (s).  So yeah I think the mental stimulation is a good idea as well as talking with someone that is a pro.

  2. I’m entirely with Liz (but she got up earlier than I did this morning… so said it sooner).  Looking for help makes you brave (and braver than I often am).  ~x~

  3. I’m like the blokey. Or I thought I was. There is[was] only black and white. There is[was] no middle ground. Most of the time, I believe that, until November came along (and we all know what November brought for me). I’d never felt like it before, but could recognise it well when it appeared. Being able to recognise it and act upon it is a greater achievement than actually doing anything, in my book. I know this ‘funk’ exists, and the only thing for me was to step back from what I was doing, reassess and work out what I wanted.Schools break up soon, that rest period is coming… I hope you will have the time then to work out what you can do and want to do. I wish you much love and luck in figuring it all out *hugs*

  4. step back and say, i don’t really know myself as much as i think i do. there are new things to discover about yourself. by saying, this is who i am, this is why i am like this, this is the best it’s going to get, and nothing is going to change, you are probably being just as black-and-white.this isn’t advice, it’s just my perspective.lots of love to you.

  5. I think it’s perfectly normal, especially when you are prone to depression. I had an episode today where I was just lying in bed and this overwhelming sense of lonliness, mixed with this sense of distance and isolation hit me–the sort where you worry that you might not have a job or things will fall flat and even with everything going, you feel unrest and fear and you don’t know where it comes from.Occupy your time. It’s also dependent on weather and hormones and your body reacting to the changes in your life. You wouldn’t want to go back on meds unless it was a last option.I hope you feel better. I always called it one of my mean reds like in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

  6. It is so easy to hide feelings isn’t it?  Though sometimes, I secretly think people know that something’s wrong but choose not to take the time out of their busy schedules to find out.  And that’s sad, really.  I wish you the best and I’m praying for you.  ~BIG HUGS~ 
    RYC: Also- I think I still have the email that you sent your address in last year, but just to be on the safe side you might want to send it again!

  7. RYC:  I might have been able to keep Beavis on if he had made the comment to someone else and not to the person that was passed over.  However, because of the way the law is setup up in this country I would be opening the company up to HUGE finanacial liability if I kept him on.  It was a dumb thing for him to do and like most dumb choices it comes with consequences.  Beyond that I will no tolerate any emplyee demeaning another in that manner.

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