A man gazing on the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.

We travelled to the other side of maC yesterday to oogle and aargle and coo at a two month old baby boy.  I think I was supposed to feel something.  Maybe I was supposed to have feelings of a broody nature?  Perhaps some maternal instinct was meant to kick in and make me want to take The Blokey home for an immediate baby-making ravishing? 

[i must, i must, i must carry on the human race]

The MiL and The Aunt of The Blokey made those garbled vocal noises that only women who have recently become grandmothers, and those who want to be grandmothers, are able to make. 

Cluck-cluck.  So, when are you two going to have a baby?  Is this making you want a baby Elizabeth?  Awww, isn’t he gorgeous Elizabeth.  Do you want to hold him Elizabeth?  Look at his little toes!  Cluck-cluck.

I know that some great big blazing fire should have burned within me immediately upon seeing such an adorable [you can tell he’s a R********, doesn’t he look like his great-grandad!] baby, but it didn’t.  It was more of a little spark that feebly attempted to ignite and kept being doused by my worrisome mind.

Because don’t get me wrong, or read me wrong, or try to second guess how I feel about having a baby.  I desperately want to be a mummy.  I have always wanted to be a mummy, to the extent that I know that if I never become a mummy I will spend my life pained and unhappy.  But I am a worrisome creature and I have a negative mind that makes me think too much and thinking too much is problematic.

So, if I get pregnant it means that for nine months I have to carry something inside my belly and that freaks me out.  And what if there are complications?  When it kicks it’ll make me feel sick, I know it will.  And more to the point I’ll probably suffer from terrible morning-sickness throughout the entire pregnancy because when I suffer I really suffer.  And then there’s the actual birth.  Look how tiny he is Elizabeth!  No, he’s f.ucking huge!  How on earth does he come out!  Once a baby is on the scene there are then the sleepless nights and the worry of never letting him/her out of my sight because I worry so much anyway and I’m just going to worry the entire time.  Once I have a baby I will never be able to not-worry ever again.  And that scares me.  And what if I don’t take to being a mummy?  What if being a mummy causes my depression to rear its ugly head worse than ever before? 

And what if I can’t get pregnant? 

I want a baby so much and the more I want a baby the less I want one … does that even make sense?

So, I drank lots of vodka to show that there won’t be a baby in the coming months.  And then wondered if there’s a pill to stop people worrying so much.

Perhaps I should then have wished upon the shooting stars that I was able to see last night.  The last time I saw a shooting star was way back when myself and The Blokey first met and I wished for something, and the wish came true, eventually.  I saw six shooting stars last night – could I have had six wishes? I can’t think of six things I could have wished for though.  Hmmm. 

The sixth shooting star was the most impressive.  I was gazing out of my bedroom window after midnight, partly spying on the neighbours and partly keeping my eyes peeled for flashes of brightness that were going so fast they couldn’t be planes, and it went whizzing across the sky.

Wow, I whispered.  I felt very child-like at that moment.  I was very innocent and very awe’d and felt very small.  And it was a nice feeling, one which I don’t feel enough and would very much like to feel again …

please God stop me worrying so much and let me just go with the flow xxx Elsabeth

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13 comments

  1. Oh my God, I just had what I considered to be a very funny comment about how you can get preggers by putting your ankles behind your ears, and then I thought better of it…….Glad to see I am starting to become civilized after seeing all those ruuuude American Women show their boobies!

  2. Oooooo! Look how katiefinger.com is coming along! I won’t tell you that you shouldn’t worry because you will anyway. (and mothers do, anyways) I think that when you are ready, you and the Blokey will try to have a child and I wouldn’t let others tell you when you should! (and you will be a terrific mother!)[I had practically zero mothering instincts before my children were born so I will tell you not to worry about that. I always knew I wanted to have children, but I didn’t have that “I want to have a child, too” feeling after seeing friend’s newborns. As far as having a nurturing instinct, I didn’t have that, either. I had to develop it. I don’t think that you will have that particular problem… ]

  3. ryc: That’s very sweet of you to say but what you can’t tell in that picture (I love that skirt) is that I actually still have a bit of a belly so I do need a medium.
    I wish I could tell you something about the whole baby thing but it’s very well-documented that I don’t want children and don’t even like them so I’m entirely unqualified.  But really, I think if you do have one it will all work out as long as you really love and care.  Which you will do.

  4. Yeah, you’ve just summed up almost every reason I’m glad I’m a man. Babies aren’t tiny, they’re bloody enormous considering where they’ve come from! RYC : Were you being sarky again? I think I only caught six shooting stars myself but the last one I noticed, also around midnight and also directly overhead, appeared much brighter and lasted a little longer. The same one perhaps? Apparently Mars is visible too. I did notice a stationary object due north and quite close to he horizon that seemed to flicker red/white/blue. I have no idea if that was Mars.

  5. I find it hard to understand why some people worry so much. I’m no worrier, I’m a we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it type. Which means I’m always unprepared and I have to wing everything. I’m a winger. I really do hope you build up the courage to have children. The pros heavily outweight the cons in my opinion and as time goes by you learn to worry about them less and enjoy them more.

  6. A pill to stop worrying that would be excellent wouldn’t it… of course that brings on the issue of overly medicated people in general and that would add to it…so maybe that wouldn’t be excellent…hmmm.

  7. Oh God, you know my friend, Elizabeth.  She’s the one always asking You to bless things!  :)  Please help her know that she is childlike and precious and small and safe with you and put away her worries.  Give her peace and fulfill her dreams of being a mommy, with minimal worry.  Amen. 
    I watched the stars with a friend of mine and her mother on a blankie in their backyard.  We were probably hours apart but fun to know that it is the same collection of muck falling on us!  :)  M

  8. I tried to watch the meteor shower, but I got skeeved out after twenty minutes of being outside in the dark by myself. And my house is surrounded by huge-ass trees that make it impossible to see anything. Heh. I think the next time I’ll be better prepared, and get a couple of friends together on one of our roofs or something.
    I think that you would be a wonderful mom, but I also agree that you shouldn’t let other people influence the decision. And I don’t know much about anything, but I think that the benefits of having kids (when you really want them) far outweigh the worries and bad things.
    (Also, I tend to think of you as my Internet!Mom, which I hope does not creep you out too much. =P)

  9. After fathering 3 kids I have to tell you that those feeling of trepidation don’t really go away, they just evolve into different trepidations. LOL. However, the you get from your kids makes it more than worth the sleepless nights and the worry.

  10. moeami’s worse half here.  we have 2 daughters and they are awesome.  i think i am done, however, as far as having anymore.  dont know if God is done, but we will see.  I have not met many ladies who think as incessantly as me.  I worry every night if everyone is safe, or alive even.  my only defense is to pray and meditate on  the Scripture.  if you want to feel awed and childlike and small again, look at the images on hubblesite dot something or other.  wow.  how is the weather over there?  its just plain hot here.  dave out

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