[the following is from a book, but i can’t remember which book]
“sometimes the day begins with nothing to look forward to
and things go from bad to worse
darkness overcomes you
the world is a deaf machine
without sense or reason
sometimes you wait
but nothing ever happens
then all your troubles come at once
wonderful things are passing you by
terrible fates are inevitable
sometimes you just don’t know what you are supposed to do
or who you are meant to be
or where you are
and the day seems to end the way it began …”
March/April are seemingly terrible months for me. There’s no particular reason why, and it could all be subconscious on my part, but I find March and April to be incredibly hard. At this time of year many people are ‘waking up’ … the sun is shining more, the days are brighter, the weather warmer. But I’m not many people and for me life becomes both sluggish and manic.
Last night I plonked myself in front of the tellybox with the sole intention of watching EastEnders. But I became disturbed. It didn’t make sense. Why did they all know that Hazel was there when Hazel had been sitting in a hotel room reading the magazine article at the end of the last episode? So I scoured the Radio Times. Surely the write-up is wrong, I wailed [in my head]. Minty isn’t marrying Heather today! I checked Wednesday’s listings. No sign of ‘Enders. Why were the BBC being so stupid … they’d missed out an entire episode! My head was so muddled and nothing made sense. I actually started to panic.
And then I burst into tears.
Yes folks, that’s my state of mind at the moment. Absolutely pathetic.
And then I remembered that we’d been in maC seeing Scouting for Girls on Tuesday and hadn’t recorded EastEnders that night. At least The Blokey had something to snigger at.
That pulse to the right? That still stands. You have no idea how many days it has taken me to write this entry. My oomph has gone away and I don’t know when it’s coming back. I just sit here staring idly at the screen, disappearing into some obscure place in my head and my fist wants to bash my head. It’s a struggle stopping it, *sigh*. For the first time ever I’ve had some seriously f.ucked up thoughts, which I’ve never thought before. Yikes!
It’s also been a year since my FiL passed away, and The Blokey has been sadder than previously. But he’s a bloke and he doesn’t talk about his feelings. Plus he’s been ill again recently. Oh, and we still have to spend Saturday’s with MiL and I still want my Saturday’s back and I still can’t see any hope of that happening any time soon.
I need a good kick up the backside.
Look, it’s some chaps Scouting for Girls in maC!
please God make me happier, thanksverymuch xxx Elsabeth