I find it very hard to get to know people. It’s due to a combination of all sorts of things … anxiety, paranoia, low self-esteem, an inferiority complex, a generally negative view of myself, being a listener rather than a talker …
All of these things contribute to me coming across as totally different to the person whom I really am. I appear to be stand-offish, arrogant, rude and possibly even (ever-so slightly) narcissistic.
Once I get to know someone I can begin to relax. Relaxation takes the edge off me and I can become the quiet, sarcastic, perfectionist with a very dry sense of humour and a need to please everybody … the Real Me.
We had a new colleague start at work in September. She’s younger than me, and in a more senior position than all but one other member of staff. She’s my Line Manager and I work for/with her within many of the variances of my position. I thought I would get to like her. I thought we would get on. There aren’t many people I don’t get on with, especially amongst those whom I see on a regular (daily) basis.
But I don’t seem to be able to relax in her presence. I think the problem is that she’s very wishy-washy. Then there’s the fact that I know one of her particular roles far better than she does, and can contribute more effectively to it. Oh, and she treats me like a Teaching Assistant. Tsk. I know I’m only a Teaching Assistant, but I’m a Teaching Assistant with Brains and Common Sense, thanking you muchly. I don’t need someone to hold my hand or guide me through doing something that I know how to do (and better than she does).
Last Tuesday I started to like her. We had an appraisal type meeting and it was … nice. Yes, nice. Even if she did ask me pointless questions which served only to reveal her ignorance of me and the job and the place where we work.
Later that day she came and asked me if I would mind moving back to the building I worked in last year. The new teacher isn’t getting on very well and needs to move to the main building. I could barely disguise my joy! I so desperately want to move away from (her) the main building and melt back into the bosom of my family (the teachers I worked closely with last year), where I belong.
And now that I won’t have to see her everyday there’s the very real possibility that we might actually become friends. If we become friends, or at the very least more friendly, then I can relax. If I start to relax I’ll start to enjoy my job again.
See? There might be a God after all. And S/He/It might even be on my side.
please God, thanks xxx Elsabeth