Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.

Open letters to some of the boys who have left a little piece of themselves in my head. 

Dear LeatherHand,

I’d just turned seventeen when we met in the big house by the sea.  You got my boobies out on the beach and I fancied your older brother.  I laughed when you introduced me to your leather glove, but hey! whatever rocked your boat.  Does it still?  I haven’t used leather in a kinky sexual way since that summer.  Nor have I ever worn leather gloves again.  That’s not because your little perversion sickened my sweet little mind, it’s simply because I’ve never been with anyone else who shared your love of leather. 

Love, your Little Ewe x  [summer 1991]


Dear Ginger Kinks Boy,

It was nice kissing you in the graveyard.  However, I refuse to apologise for being the Tease Who Wouldn’t.  But what kind of eighteen year old uses the word consummate?!  Anyway, I fancied your friend, and would have been the Tease Who Would with him …

Love, the Tease Who Wouldn’t x  [two months, autumn 1991]


Dear Irish-Eejit,

You were the first boy I fell in love with.  You were also the first boy I could ever really talk to and feel comfortable with, and you were the first to introduce me to The Orgasm – thank you for that.  I don’t think you ever knew how much you meant to me; I even put up with your drunken ramblings which included the words English and hate in the same sentence.  I loved your fingers and you f.ucked with my head by telling me the truth.  The short time we were together, during that first year at university, created memories which are some of my happiest. 

Why did you have to break my heart?

Love, Broken Hearted English Girl x  [six weeks, spring 1993]


Dear Ginger Nuts,

I only agreed to let you walk me home from the union bar because I wanted to make Irish-Eejit jealous, and I only let you take my maidenhood because Irish-Eejit didn’t care that I’d kissed you.  I’m not entirely sure that I was ever actually in love with you, but those two years were fun whilst they lasted.  Cheating on me with that floozy [who cheated on you a year later, ha!] was the best thing you could have done because if we’d stayed together it would have been a very humdrum existence.  But you introduced me to the music of Ludicrous Lollipops and Big Boy Tomato … and because you were treasurer of the student union you made sure I met PWEI and shared beer with S*M*A*S*H.  WooHoo!  You had your uses.  Ta.

Love, The Girl Who Beat You up, Once x  [1993 – 1995]


Dear Quiet Boy,

I’m sorry I was at the pub the night you phoned.  My life would be very different now if I’d been at home.  I hope life is treating you well – you were an absolute gentleman and a real star.

Love, the Girl Who Got Away x  [spring 1996]


Dear BullyBoy,

After we split up it took me a long time to admit to myself that I had been in love with you.  You were a complete and utter b.astard, and I lived in so much fear whilst we were together.  But I still loved you, because there were good times.  I’m sorry I broke your heart [I know I did, don’t pretend otherwise] but I couldn’t spend the rest of my life living in fear, worried about where you would hit me next or whether I’d be dead by morning.  Putting you on that train was the kindest thing I could do to both you and me.  I hope you’re happier now.

Love, Me x  [1996 – 2000]


Dear Blokey,

I know I’m a pain in the arse sometimes but that’s only because I love you … *cheeky grin*

Love, Elsabeth x  [2002 – … ]